Chapter 7 - The Call

God is Refuge, Strength and Shepherd

Psalm 46:1-3

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.”

Psalm 23

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

Just barely catching the call before it went to voicemail I said, “Hello?” The lady’s voice sounded quiet, firm, and quick as she introduced herself as a representative of the health facility caring for my dad. She told me that she had just called the local family contact to let them know that my father had passed away. That statement went off like heavy artillery landing in my heart. I was deafened and dazed for a few moments by the weight of those words as she continued relaying her communication which had faded into a muffled murmur. As the Lord’s Grace took over I had to ask her to repeat herself and then wanted to know how my mom was, did she know? Turns out, she did not know, as they had not called her yet. They were worried about how she would take the news with the amount of closeness between my parents and her age and had notified the local contact in order for someone to be present with her when the news came. This really surprised me as I come from strong people and Dad would have wanted her contacted directly. I took a deep breath and asked a few key questions and said I would be calling Mom shortly. Jose, an earnestly kind gentleman whose name I changed for his privacy, our local family friend and contact, was my first call though. He answered right away in his soft Columbian accent - said he was so sorry and we spoke on a few details as I needed to get out there as soon as possible. He and his sister were long time family friends of my parents and I was thankful he was nearby.

I was reeling after the two calls. I sat down, looked at my little furbabies and prayed for the Strength and Refuge of God’s Comfort. Considered for a moment what this would mean for my mom and her whole world. With that weight on me, I placed the call to my mom. How to unpack that call and its ramifications is hard to put into words. She knew right away something was off as I didn’t usually call at that hour especially when I had to work plus she was a bit of a night owl and was often sleeping earlier in the morning hours even with the time difference. With as much care as I could (and as directly as I could) I told her the love of her life - my Pops as I called him, had passed away that morning. There was silence and then she asked why she was not notified first. I relayed all the details I knew in the most empathetic way I could for all parties and let her know Jose was on his way. She was surprised in that Pops was doing so much better and plans were for him to be coming home to her. She laugh-cried as I told her he had eaten a huge breakfast and had even asked for seconds that very morning. He fell asleep in Jesus before the pleasant assistant could bring his second round of goodies. He had gone fast and peacefully with a smile on his face. Mom was staggering in her emotions and wanted to get over to him as soon as she could. We prayed a quick prayer and I told her I would be there as quickly as possible once I was able to book a flight. She asked for pictures of Kaiyah and the kitties of all things. She knew my job had its demands and urged me to get to the office, asked for reassurance that I was coming which I reassured, and we said a heartfelt but short good-bye. We both had to deal with shock and it would take time.

I made a quick work of things at home and scrambled to the office. It was at that time all the emotions I had were shut away and I locked the door so I could get everything completed. I needed to be strong for my mom. I got to the office and reached out to my boss to let her know what was happening. Thank God she was kind and understanding and really wanted me to get home and get things processing so I could get to my mom. By God’s Grace and Strength, I stayed sharp and focused as I got through my work.

I had to notify my dearest friend at the time and also to request her help in watching my little animals. Of course, I was willing to pay her and she would have none of it. I didn’t trust folks with my animals very much so I was mighty grateful that she was willing. Rachel, as she liked that name, was like a sister to me and I trusted her. She knew my family and she knew I had much complexity of my own regarding my family. Rachel was already well aware of Kaiyah’s story and complexities, Esther’s sweet heart and health conditions and Gideon’s shyness, huge meow and love of all things food. She had a wonderful rapport with them already. She was kind to my animals and I knew they would be okay.

It was and is critical for me to keep calling to mind the Truths of my Precious Lord while purposing to live out my trust for every last one of the already mentioned Attributes I knew of Him: God has a Plan and He is Faithful, God’s Peace and Security, God’s Wisdom and Counsel, God’s Help with Trust, God Who Heals the Wounded and Broken, God Who Teaches the Right Responses, and God is Refuge, Strength and Shepherd; plus many others that will be forthcoming, were absolutely essential. They are much clearer today than then, but they were all there waiting for me to recall of Him as He is always there and I did. I knew only my Good Shepherd could walk us through the “geographic” places of our life journey whether it be the mountain tops, the deep waters, the raging storms, the green pastures, the long empty desert roads, the high places of refuge, the presences of our enemies, the frozen or fiery places, or those valleys of the shadow of death. I was depending on Him. This was a complicated time in my life and I had already begun a very long and difficult set of seasons and was not yet fully discerning the storms and the white squall that would be coming. I didn’t know it then but everything I knew about family, relationships, hopes, dreams, ministry, faith and trust, purpose, and everything connected to those aspects of my life were going to be put through an intense and certain time of testing and turmoil I never would have anticipated. That along with a lifetime of complications from things in my childhood which were back-building behind the scenes would subsequently be barreling in on my life with individually appointed fervor and timing. Alas, that is for another time of sharing.

Kaiyah was peacefully resting along with my two kitties upon my arrival home. I had thankfully found a direct flight and pretty much just needed to get ready. The time there couldn’t be as long as I would have liked, but I took as much time as I could under the circumstances. I didn’t forget to get Mom her requested pet photos and had everything tied up for Rachel to come in and take care of my furbabies. I was concerned for Kaiyah as she was slowly coming out of her separation anxiety and settling in with our routine…I didn’t want the trust shaken and I wanted her not to feel abandoned. Esther, my sweet kitty was dealing with her illness and didn’t want her special medicine anymore. She was still ok with the pain meds and seemed better with just that in her system, so I made sure the awful disgusting not so good medicine was no longer on the menu. Gideon would be fine with access to a clean cat box, lots of kibbles, quiet time to roam about and pets now and again. That was more than enough for him…and treats with kibbles, please.

Everything went well with the flight and arrival. Jose was there at the airport and we headed straight home. There was the house I spent most of my growing years in; the place of so many, many memories. Marmi was safely warm inside of the two story brick home tucked in the midst of trees. I will not forget the sea of emotion in my mom’s eyes, that aching longing look as we embraced knowing my Pops would no longer be there filling that home with his big personality and the big German accented voice to go with it. It was bitter-sweet being surrounded by the home they had made together and filled with a lifetime of things they purchased, were given, or that had been left behind. Everything had a story and I couldn’t tune it out. It was a lot. I was braced to be strong and had a mixture of emotions being home. Swallowing down that mixture was all I could do. We caught up on things and I listened for a long time.  

I shared the pictures of Kaiyah on her cozy bed and the two kitties. Marmi was captivated by her story and seemed to find strength hearing about her progress. Asking again about her bark of which she was sure would come back. It was a hard and yet healing time of sorts during those few days. Marmi handled arrangements just as Pops and she had planned for such a time. She did not want to have a funeral, but rather wanted to have a memorial in a few months. She was really overwhelmed and took things little by little…and that is exactly what we did.

Her three attentive loving cats were all present and accounted for at the time. Even Butterscotch, who was also a rescue. He was tall, long, and had creamy white fur with butterscotch blotches strewn about his short soft coat. Being the rambling man cat he was, he did come and go at will and on his own schedule. He was a wild cat with a lot of personality and one they both respected despite his wild ways. He could purr and he could scratch. He had liked to cuddle in Pops’ lap as he sat in his arm chair. On occasion he would jump up on the table and put his arms on Marmi’s shoulders as she sat at the table doing crossword puzzles. He was a real character.

My younger brother was estranged to me and was not around during this time for Marmi although they spoke. I did get to hear his voice and I was grateful. Marmi said he had his own things to deal with and that was that. In her grief Marmi was not just crying for Pops but also the tragic loss of my older brother years prior and the choices of her youngest. I knew this as she poured out much during those days. So many memories and emotions intertwined. We all hurt those we love even when we don’t mean to sometimes. It is amazing what loss and grief can unbuckle from our mind and emotions. It was a very raw time of sharing and even some healing between us.

As was my custom, I did whatever she needed of me while there and, like many others in that position, I took care of her as much as she would let me…it was one of the hardest good-byes I’ve experienced. I loved my Pops but I didn’t know how to grieve his passing; that would have to come later, much later. I grieved more for Marmi as I knew with all the love and many joys they had, there was also a lot of pain, need of forgiveness, and struggle as well. It was a comfort we had that time together, and that Pops went peacefully and we rested knowing that he knew the Lord Jesus very personally for many years. I would be going back in a few months as promised, that journey was not over.

The Lord bolstered us in the Truth that He is our Refuge and Strength. One of Marmi’s all time favorite verses that she would often sing with vigor with or without tears, “God is our Refuge and Strength, a very present Help in times of trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. We will not fear…"

When I arrived back at my humble oasis in the desert I couldn’t wait to see my sweet little pets again. They were as cozy and peaceful as I had hoped and prayed. After a little while I notified Marmi (she loved using Flight Tracker to watch my plane fly across the country whenever I visited) that I was home safe and sound and to let her know the pets were ok. We talked for a few minutes. The swell of tears in my Marmi’s voice was almost unbearable as we ended the call. I told the Lord I knew He was our Refuge and Strength, our Shepherd. I needed Him to take care of her. And to help my younger brother wherever he was; that was a deep pain in my heart too.

I had swallowed the mixture of emotion again as I changed clothes. I felt out of sorts and a bit lost. Kaiyah looked at me as if she totally understood what I was feeling. I needed Kaiyah to take me on a mission hike as soon as possible.

….Until we meet again….